


The Hobbit Musical Project

by raiyana



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Author may be right, Characters doing songs, Crack, Humor, Purely crack, Songfic, author thinks she's funny
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 16:10:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12915450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raiyana/pseuds/raiyana
Summary: Basically this is me re-writing songs to fit the narrative/characters of the Hobbit.... madness!Current play-list includes:Kíli's version of Red-nosed ReindeerSmaug's adaptation of Shiny, with a guest appearance by Bilbo & The CompanyFíli rocking it like the lion he really is





	1. Shiny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smaug is probably related to the Crab from Moana...

I’d rather be shiny (Smaug begins singing) 

Like a treasure from a murdered Dwarven King (Smaug rustles through the gold)

Turn my scales and make me look shiny (Smaug emerges from the gold - hold the pose) 

I will sparkle like a wealthy woman’s ring (Smaug shows off jewel-encrusted underbelly) 

Just the thing, (Smaug winks at Bilbo) don’t you know? 

Dwarves are dumb, dumb, dumb (Smug Smaug) 

They chase anything that glitters, beginners (Smaug kicks the Arkenstone across the room) 

Oh, and here they come, come, come 

To the brightest thing that glitters (Smaug strikes a pose, firing up the fireball) 

Mmm, Dwarf dinners 

I just love free food 

And you look like free food (Snaps at the Company)


	2. Lion King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fíli is the next King of Erebor...

The Scene:

Reclaimed Erebor – a few years down the line. FÍLI and KÍLI are grumbling about their lessons in statesmanship with BALIN. They’re being punished for something by helping sort a section of the vast Treasury. Suddenly, FÍLI begins singing.

 

 _Way beyond the mountain halls_  
_A little down the line_  
 _The lands around the mountain peak_  
 _Are scheduled to be mine_

(Kíli is staring at his brother, a little lost, but then he grins, darting out of sight for a moment. Fíli doesn’t notice, continuing his song as he climbs a mountain of treasure.)

 _I'm gonna be the ruler_  
_Of most everything around_  
 _From the grandest of dwarf mountains_  
 _To the humble common ground_

_My reign will be a super-awesome thing_

(Fíli is standing atop the mountain of treasure, striking a majestic pose a la Thorin.)

_Oh, I just can't wait to be king!_

(The treasure beneath his feet begins to slide down, Fíli ends up sliding down on his arse. Kíli is at the bottom, laughing his arse off. Fíli get to his feet, glaring.)

_I'm gonna be a mighty king  
So enemies beware!_

(Balin enters the Treasury, come to tell them their punishment is over. He overhears the last few lines.)

                           Well, I've never seen a king of dwarves (Balin says, interrupting the song)  
                           With quite so little hair  
(Fíli scowls at him; Balin strokes his own full beard smugly.)

 _I'm gonna be the main event_  
_Like no king was before_  
 _I'm brushing up on looking fierce_  
 _The one you’ll all adore!_

(Fíli sings, staring at Balin who is unimpressed.)

                           Thus far, a rather self-important king (Balin drawls)

_Oh, I just can't wait to be king!_

                           You've rather a long way to go, young master, if you think...

(Balin begins, taking this opportunity to impart wisdom. Fíli brushes past him without caring.)

_I'm going to be a noble king  
And scrupulously fair_

                           Well, that’s admirable…( Balin mutters, but neither Prince hears him)

_I only need a little time  
Maybe more chin hair_

(Fíli strokes his small beard, smugly staring at Kíli who is still only sporting scruff. Kíli doesn’t notice, his attention caught by something buried in a pile of treasure.)

 _No one saying do this (_ Fíli glares at Balin, gesturing to the vast mounds of gold around them)

                           Now when I said that, I – (Balin tries, but Kíli has now found what he spotted in the pile and joins in, twirling an old crown in his hands as he sneaks up n Fíli.)

 _No one saying be there_ (Kíli crows. Fíli looks pleased that he’s decided to join in.)

                           What I meant was... (Balin is roundly ignored by the two brothers standing together)

 _No one saying stop that_ (They both stare at Balin, who has – often – said those very words to the two of them)

                           Look, what you don't realize...

 _No one saying see here_ (Fíli and Kíli both croon, their voices drowning out Balins.)

                           Now see here! (Balin begins to herd them out of the Treasury)

 _Free to run around all day_ (Fíli and Kíli continue to sing)

                           Well, that's definitely out… (Balin mutters, already envisioning Fíli’s reign of terror)

_Free to do it all my way!_

                           I think it's time that you and I  
                           Arranged a heart to heart (Balin scowls, trying to grab Fíli’s shoulder. The younger dwarf dodges smugly)

 _Kings don't need advice_ _  
From old uzugbads for a start_ (Fíli crows, staring at Balin, who shakes his head in exasperation. Fíli climbs another treasure pile, Kíli right behind him.)

                           If this is where the monarchy is headed  
                           Count me out!  
                           Out of service, out of Erebor  
                           I wouldn't hang about  
                           This child… Oh, I’m gonna go get Thorin (Balin mutters as he leaves the Treasury)

 _Oh, I just can't wait to be king!_ (Fíli sings loudly, watching him leave. Kíli plops the old crown on his head with a laugh.)

 _Everybody look left_  
_Everybody look right_  
 _Everywhere you look I'm_  
 _Standing in the spotlight!_

(Fíli and Kíli are dancing, haven’t noticed the doors opening once more, admitting their Uncle, looking thunderous.)

                           NOT YET! (Thorin shouts up at them, loudly enough to startle both princes into falling off their pile, ending at his feet.)

The time has come (Thorin says, looking down at his nephews)  
As someone said  
To talk of many things

 _This may be true_ (Fíli replies, jumping back up along with Kíli, who is looking sheepishly at Thorin’s serious expression.)  
_But I would rather stick to talking kings! (_ This time, Kíli joins in for the chorus. Fíli’s crown is slightly askew.)

_No one saying do this_

                           Really, Fíli? (Thorin mumbles, pinching the bridge of his nose.)

_No one saying be there_

                           HA! You’ll learn...

_No one saying stop that_

                           Have you learned nothing...

_No one saying see here_

                           You really haven’t a clue!

(Fíli is dancing around with Kíli, ignoring Thorin’s angry/incredulous mutterings)

_Free to run around all day_

                           Wait till your mother hears of this…

_Free to do it all my way!_

                           I don’t even... Balin, handle this! (Thorin growls, leaving the Treasury.)

 _It's easy to be royal_  
If you're already leonine  
It isn't just my right  
Even my left will be divine(Fíli gestures to Kíli, who grins proudly, picking up a different crown for himself.)  
The monarchy is waiting to go zing

_Oh, I just can't wait to be king_

_Oh, I just can't wait to be king_

_Oh, I just can't waaaaait to be king_

 

(Thorin re-enters the Treasury, followed by Dís, the boys’ mother. They both stare, mouths agape at the two young dwarrow who are now both decked out in crowns and assorted jewellery, looking like dwarflings playing dress-up.)

                           They’re _your_ sons. (Thorin mutters)


	3. Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kíli gets teased for using a bow, but he is a good guy to have on your side...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on a picture of NowThat'sDedication's Funko pop Fili and Kili dressed up for Christmas decoration

Kíli, the red-nosed reign-dwarf  
Shoots a very mighty bow  
He can hit any target  
Never mind if high or low

All of the other Dwarrow  
Used to laugh and call him names  
They never let poor Kíli  
Join in any Dwarfling games

Then a cold and wintry day  
Fíli came to say  
Kíli with your bow so fine  
Wont you slay this foe of mine

And how the Comp’ny loved him  
As they hacked at Orcish foes  
Kíli the red-nosed reign-dwarf  
killed the orcs, that’s how it goes!


End file.
